Alternate Session Updates (Barbarabard, Season 1):

[thedavin]

[In a seperate thread, because it's not coherent enough to be useful.]

The Action Packed Adventure,
Or
How to Stick it to the Man, Kobold Style.

By ? the kobold.

So, it all started out when I was in the boonies of the asscrack of the slums. That's where I was living, making an honest living sticking it to the man by taking all the free stuff he leaves lying around. And then, whoa! A building falls into the ground. Needless to say, many hobos were injured. I memorialized them by taking their money.
I like caves. I was born in a cave. So when I found out the buildings were falling into caves I was all like "Score! Free home." and then I went underground to find loot. But while I was looking for loot I ran into these two human looking tools, and a creepy elf boy, his giant talking rat, and the coolest Orc ever. We instantly became best of friends, even though they were all tools of The Man. I resisted my urge to stick it to them and continued looting, because that was more fun.
So, we killed lots of dirt and stuff. Everyone was impressed by my combat prowess and my dashing good looks. Then I got this awesome glowy orb, and it was awesome. Then we killed some more stuff, and I got this awesome familiar. I named him Baron VonSmallheim, because that's what my crazy uncle used to call me. He tells me to bad things, so I do. But not the bad things he tells me to do. With victory secured we went to the asscrack of the boonies of the slums of slumopolis for sleeping.
I went to sleep and got attacked by spiders. Spiders are delicious, but they sting like crazy. So I strategically withdrew, like I do with women.
The next day we killed more things. I found boxes filled with stuff but the tool of The Man made me share it with everyone else. Sharing is for commies and halflings. That was exciting, but it was all down hill from there. Stuff happened, and things.
The next day we jumped through this green tentacle magic thing. But before I went through I got a creepy magic guy to come with me. Then we fought pirates. They were annoying. I set one on fire, in the face. Then they gave us all candy! Except not.
I'm a good scout. I once scouted out several bedrooms in a sleazy tavern. So I scouted an air monster. It didn't like being scouted. Then I practiced my rope climbing and found a magical dragon spear thing. I gave it to least creepy guy, because he seemed sad. Now he's happy forever! No longer a tool of The Man! Hurray!
Then I rushed a bunch of skeletons and killed them with my bare hands. Actually, that's not true. I had everyone else do it for me because my hands are very dainty. We stole the dead peoples' stuff because it was free. That's OK. They were probably working for The Man. And we lived happily ever after.

IT'S OVAR!

[thedavin]

The Victorious Victory
Or
The Man, he's holding me down!

By Ringmaster Steve

With the forces of evil properly vanquished and full of dead juice we celebrated victory. The Paladin did so in the traditional paladin fashion of polishing his lance. We all hid, and tried not to watch. Most people will tell you I'm lying, but that's because they're Ooltays of the Anmay.
So, after all that hullabaloo was dealt with we started cavorting, skipping, and frolicking towards town. We had lots of loot to sell, and lots of stray animals to eat.
So, while we were walking we walk into this copse of trees. That's like a corpse, but less dead. There's this halfling there, and he's like "Give me stuff, bitches!" I'm para-phrasing. That means I'm summarizing, not droping phrases from the sky.
While all my team mates were fooled by "The Halfling"s cunning ruse of not being an evil spider thing, I knew better. I lulled him into a false sense of security by acting like I wasn't planning on killing him and taking his stuff.
So, we walked around the copse for fun and profit, while I prepared my clever ambush. Everyone couldn't help but notice that I'm a very fine looking gentleman, and that any rational female would prostrate herself before me and beg for my love. I've never been to beauty school, or any kind of school. By some accounts I can't read or write. Well, I say to those tools, "If I can't write, where did this chronicle come from, Tools?!", and then I shoot them in the face.
Like I was saying, when the time was right and the evil spider monster was as lulled as he could be, I shot him in the face. He was all like "Oh sweet jebus on a cracker! I've got an arrow in my f'cking head!" His blood tasted like victory.
Unfortunately both the Orc and I were very tired, so we took naps for the rest of the fight. That's OK, because I had basically won the fight anyways. We killed it dead, and sent its wayward spirit to the place spiders go when they die. Except for one leg, which I ate. It wasn't very good.
So, we get back to town and the guard stops us. Before we can kill him and take his loot the humans all make peacable noises. He returns their pacifist grumblings, and squelches the spirit of revolution inside himself. So, we go into town and go to the inn.
That night I had an adventure. I went out and listened to creepy people talking about really creepy things. Like, this crazy goddess who shoots ninjas from her orifices. But, like a ninja, she hardly seems to be there at all. I also tried to sell Baron VonSmallheim in return for having my little brother, Mantorok the Whiny Ass Pussy, assassinated. But apparently cursed things are not good for bartering.
Back at the inn, shenanigans ensued. One such shenanigan involved the barbarian's back caddy distracting people so I could stick it to their coin purses. It was wicked awesome.
Later, the humans went to get money for our stuff. Except they did a crap job of it. They gave the loot back to the people it belonged to. I was so angry that I sprayed all over everything in the inn without telling anyone. Anyway, we went to see The Man in his big fancy house. I got called a puppy, but that's OK because I got scritchies on my head. [Authors note: I love getting scritchies on my head.] We sat around and The Man gave us tools, presumably of The Man. I got bolts which stick it to Abberations. I never killed an abberation before, but I've always wanted to.
Thus rewarded for our selflessly foolish loss of loot, we proceeded to become pirates. We all got on this spiffy keen boat and sailed off into the sunset. Adventure Ho! Buckle me swashes, etc.

The End?! Toby continueded!

[thedavin]

A Pirate's Life For Me!
Or
Tentacles in Time-Space

By Fishy Joe

Once upon a time there was a boat. On that boat was The Master, and his loyal apprentice A condom. Or A condor. Or something. Anyway, one day The Master, realizing he was a tool of the man, decided that reality didn't have enough holes in it. After much mojo manipulation, he made one. It was a doorway to Tentaclopolis, a horrible cyclopean city from beyond time. In Tentacalopolis they kill everyone who doesn't have tentacles, unless they’re a school girl. But we aren’t going to say anymore about that. The evil monsters from Tentaclopolis stormed into our world through the hole that The Master had made, and, like a wicked tool, he told them "I want you inside me." He got what he wanted, and a mini-squid made a home in his pancreas. With evil thus prevailing, red algae poured forth and made the boat it's bitch.

That's where we come in. Like dutiful pirates The Big Fella, The Human Tool 1st ed. and I boarded the mysterious boat to steal all their treasure. We did what any good pirate crew would do. We went from room to room killing things and taking their stuff. First we killed two bird things. Then we killed a pot of stew. Then we made friends with an adorable mimic. Then we killed a carpet. Then we killed zombies. Then we killed Anacondo, the apprentice. He was a very indecisive apprentice. At first he wanted us to save him, but then he told me to kill him. Who am I to make life and death decisions? The answer: I AM DEATH, SHATTERER OF WORLDS. So I shot him in the face, and accidentally unleashed his betentacled insides.
We also found a hole in the world. I put Baron Von Smallheim in it. He reappeared in my pocket. Therefore, I supplicate, the portal leads to my pocket. The Baron told me if I kill everyone he'd tell me the horrible and ancient secrets of the portal. I was all like "Awesome. I'll do that if I remember."
Finally, in the final and ultimate showdown of ending versus the last tool of The Man, I snuck up on The Master. I shot him in the back of the head, behind where he keeps his face. Mr. Huge-orc and Goody-Goody The Shiny then charged in and rocked the place. Hardcore, yo.
We fed the bits of people to the Mimic. It was happy, but wouldn't be my new friend. And that filled me with sad juice.
With a bunch of loot in hand we returned to our pirate ship. We split the loot, and wondered what to do with all the free spell books and scrolls we found. I wanted to make paper hats, but that was apparently a bad idea. Then we burned down the other ship.
And thus The Man was vanquished, and the forces of the Circus Discordia rocked the socks of the multiverse.

[thedavin]

A Dark and Stormy Night
Or
My Sticky Box

By Vecna Jr.

There once was a big talking box,
Which tried to eat me while picking its locks,
But we shot it and hit it,
And it pretty much bit it,
And limericks are the tool of The Man.

So, after returning triumphant to our pirate ship, shenanigans ensued. This primarily consisted of me improvising songs about how the gods of lightning are all pussies which holding up the Paladin’s great sword on deck. The paladin is a heavy sleeper, so it’s like his stuff belongs to me. Coincidentally, a big storm appeared and tried to eat our boat. I leapt into action, tying myself to The Orc to anchor myself in place. Thus secured, we came into a strange port.
While in the small seaside hamlet we roused rabble with epic tales of heroism. Except for me. I was to busy being sketchy. Much fun was had by all. My Box ate like a king. The King of Boxland. I hope Baron Von Smallheim doesn’t get jealous.
That night, while we slept in the inn, evil attacked. I, having been trained in the art of deadly assasineering by Kurtulamak himself, leapt into action. I went down stairs, and assessed the threat. The threat was more numerous and larger than me. There were many lizard things. There for I screamed like a banshee that’d been kicked in the nuts. Naturally, the Orc and I mopped most of them up before the paladin could get his pants on.
Then,
TROLL.
But, just as quickly,
NOT TROLL.
My Box has no place for TROLL.
We proceeded to massacre the raiders on the street. The Orc even killed a big fella of immense enormity. Then, we interrogated the living lizard man we took hostage. By lying a whole lot I got information. He was part of a storm god cult, lead by someone named “Long tooth.” I also got directions to where they were hiding in the swamps.
Raiders generally have loot. And we need to help the poor people of the town or some junk.
Thus we prepared to charge blindly into another bloodbath. We’ll have to be more cautious though, because we found stone statues of guards in the middle of town. That means, more than likely, that the lizard men have a crack team of master artisans constantly making statuary. Anyone mad enough to do that can do anything.

[thedavin]

[Author's Note: It has been brought to my attention that I did not fully address the omnipresent threat that is The Man as throughly as I normally do. This is because The Man hates swamps with a fiery passion. The only thing he hates more than swamps are picnics. Thus, The Man was not often present on our adventure. He still lived inside his tools though.]

A Picnic in the Swamp
Or
Diplomancy.

By Lightning McGee, Prophet of Storms

After fighting off the lizard bandits and sleeping the sleep of the righteous, we all woke up and got ready to go cavorting in the swamp. We all put on our traveling hats and were ready to go. While walking in the swamp we found lots of quicksand. Quicksand is denser than water, so it’s easy to float in it. Unless you’re a paladin in full plate. Then you’re screwed like a Halfling on a trebuchet aimed at the demi-plane of sharp things.
While walking through the swamp we met some friendly manticores. They shared their tail spikes with us, so we shared our spells and weapons. The giant rat stabbed one to death, and the other one surrendered. Our wizard engaged in some intense diplomancy. He demanded that the manticore walk into the quicksand. The manticore didn’t like that idea, so it tried to fly away. Fortunately the rules of diplomancy state quite clearly that you’re allowed to shoot anything that tries to run away. The manticore did end up in the quicksand after all. Manticores breathe air, but I think that even with gills it couldn’t breathe quicksand. Victory was ours, and we proved the more savvy picnickers.
We continued our trek through the bog and came to the home of the lizard people. We greeted them in the traditional way, by letting Groth charge at them screaming a bloody war-cry. As is traditional, they screamed in terror and ran after a few of them were cut down. The bard sang a little song about it.
We followed the fleeing lizardmen to a cave, which we correctly presumed to be full of lizardmen. Unfortunately, at the entrance of the cave we were attacked by a flying lizardman. He shot lightning at us, and made us sad. Groth didn’t like the lightning, so he charged into the cave. Unfortunately there were two trolls in the cave. Fortunately, Troll + Groth + Axe = ½ Troll. Throw the paladin and the rat in the equation and there is a net of less than one troll.
The flying lizard man continued to be a problem though. I poisoned his pet lizard with my emergency algae supply, which made him angry like the bajesus in a hornets nest. Collin used his wit and guile to sucker the lizardman into a duel. He made the lizardman comically small, and we had a laugh at his reptilian expense. Then, when his wings disappeared, we killed him until he died. Victory was ours again.
We went into the lizardmen cave to look for loot. Instead of loot we found a big pissed off lizard with evil eyes. After I blindfolded it so it wouldn’t look at me dirty Groth cut its head off. There was blood everywhere. The rat got turned to stone, but we turned him back, presumably with magic. I wasn’t paying attention at that point, because I was busy naming my toes.
Next stop was the lizard-kings throne room. Instead of busting in and killing everything like we normally do, we decided to continue our newfound tactic of diplomancy. I discovered that I am a natural diplomancer, as I yelled at the lizard-king like a crazy person until he did what I told him to. I told the lizard-king that I was the child of thunder, and my name was Lightning McGee. I also told him of the great exodus that would lead his people to salvation. He didn’t buy it, so I told him that the storm god wanted him to stop being a little bitch for 15 years, after which he could start again. I would, of course, return at that time to supervise as I am far littler than any of the lizardmen and possibly more of a bitch. Collin was doing a good job with diplomancy too, but he wasn’t yelling enough. It felt like The Man was holding him back.
So, with peace secured we returned to town to inform them of their fifteen year hiatus from slaughter. They seemed somewhat pleased about that. They gave us money even. Thus rewarded we geared up to head out. But I don’t think any of us will forget our marvelous picnic in the swamp.
The End.

Note to self: Return for free army of ignorant savages in 15 years.

[thedavin]

The Story of the Wretched Lying Traitor and the Damned Dirty Betrayal the He Perpetrated Against Someone Who Was Supposedly His Friend, But Who He Screwed Over Anyway Because He’s Actually EVIL,
An Ancient Kobold legend, as Told by the Heroic and Beloved Ike

Once long ago, in a land with mountains and stuff, there was a paladin. This paladin’s name was Jerkface McGee. One day Jerkface McGee was all like “Dar, I’m the tool of THE MAN, how can I hold the people down? I think I’ll wear shiny armor and have an unnatural obsession with a horse.” And so he did.
But that wasn’t enough for the paladin, who you hate, because he’s a jerk. Oh no, he decided he had to screw other people in the deal. He secretly allied himself with an evil cambion bastard named Leon, who stank like Baatezu, whatever the hell those are. With his minion Leon he plotted and schemed a way to ruin the lives of all kobolds by having vile orcs enslave them. As an uncharacteristically cunning part of his (dirty, filthy, human) plan he decided that to fully crush the kobold spirit he’d have to corrupt their leader, the heroic and beloved Mike. He tricked the heroic Mike into working with him using promises of loot and… more loot. And so, bewitched by the evil magicks of the evil paladin JerkFace, Mike began his life as an ENSLAVED and OBEDIENT MIND THRALL.
Now, what the paladin didn’t expect was that Mike would accidentally stumble upon The Duke of Littleville, an ancient and powerful deity who sought to unite the kobold nations against THE MAN and the evil institutions of THE MAN and, of course, against Baator, whatever the hell that is. The Duke, however, had been trapped in a statue by another evil paladin, named JerkFace II: Electric Boogaloo. When Mike stumbled across the statue in his MIND SLAVERY the Duke had to use most of his power to connect his mind to Mike’s so that they could be connected forever and be best friends and stick it to THE MAN. The Paladin saw that they had been joined, but was stupid and ugly and did not realize the threat the Duke and Mike posed to his evil plans.
Thus stuff happened for a while. Neat stuff sometimes, but mostly depressing MIND THRALL stuff like sharing. Sharing was one of those things Leon was big on. Except he always took all the treasure Mike should have gotten. Because he was a jerkface. There were also some other Mind Thralls, like Singy Von Drowthing, and Giant-Rat-a-Tron, and Big-Axe the Half-Orc. Later there was Jake, who was very loud, but whose loudness helped Mike eventually escape the clutches of JerkFace McGee.
Anyway, eventually the paladin’s evil mind spell was weakened slightly by the Duke’s love for all kobolds and Mike suddenly thought to ask JerkFace McGee, who he didn’t realize was evil yet, to help him free his clan from SLAVERY BY THE MAN. And JerkFace was all like “Oh yeah, I’ll come and help you, I’m a paladin and I love horses.” But when Mike went to save his clan the paladin never came. This evil betrayal by the treacherous traitor revealed his true and evil nature. Thus, through sheer force of will, Mike freed himself from MIND SLAVERY and freed the Duke from his statue. Thus freed, the two prepared to battle against the evil paladin and his evil minions.